May Day 2006 brought a real double header of mascot action, and saw me travel hundreds of miles for just thirty minutes action! If any weekend really summed up the dedication and potential reward of being a mascot then this was it.
On the Saturday we were away at my second mascot home of Shrewsbury. Granted as Lincoln mascot it may seem strange to have a second home, but following 2001’s ‘Battle of the mascots’ I had a real affinity for the area. The local press ran several pictures of me in the weeks following the event and their mascot ‘Lenny’ managed to get me free tickets to a friendly against Wolves a few weeks later. Although the area was a good two and a half hours from the great city of Lincoln it still felt welcoming. This particular clash with the Shrews was the penultimate game of the 2006 season and one City needed to win in order to all but secure a play off place. We sat in seventh level on points with Peterborough who travelled to third placed Orient. Bristol Rovers were two points behind both of us and they had to go to Rochdale, whilst if Shrewsbury won both their games and virtually everyone else lost then they could still make it. In terms of League Two football it really was all to play for although a Chelsea win in their Premier League game against Man Utd on the same day would see them wrap up a second consecutive Premier League title, which would doubtlessly dominate the headlines. Either way it was events at The Gay Meadow that I’d be taking a real interest in, and so purely by virtue of the fact I knew Lenny fairly well I decided to make the trip and blag a couple of free tickets in the process.
The Friday before the game was a slightly more serious event. I had been contacted by a marketing company who were representing Coca Cola’s interests at the forthcoming World Cup in Germany who were looking for a couple of mascots to portray their own ‘Postie’ and ‘Titch’ characters. They were holding an audition in London and another in Manchester that only genuine football mascots could attend in order to find two lucky men to travel to Germany for the duration of the tournament. In addition to this they’d be giving away tickets for all England’s group games, paying all travelling and accommodation expenses as well as paying two and a half thousand pounds. Basically it was pretty much all any self respecting male in the world could hope for, and only liaisons with Keira Knightley could have made it any more attractive. I was given a choice of either Manchester or London and as I knew London was a rotting cesspool of evil and hatred I opted to make my way across snake pass to the home of Oasis and car stereo thieves.
Poacher At Shrewsbury, albeit in 2010
Before I went the company sent me a list of mascots who would be there auditioning, and frankly I wasn’t too upset at the numbers. There were only twenty or so mascots at both venues, which meant a one in ten chance of going to Germany and lapping up the festival of football in person. I noted that the Grimsby mascot ‘Mighty Mariner’ was going to be auditioning which I had to chuckle at because in all my years as a mascot I didn’t even realise they had a mascot! In our little world there are several mascots who attend every event and a few like myself that turn up periodically at a few events, but our fishy friends from close to the Humber never seemed to have a representative at any event. The only mascots I thought would be front-runners were Bladey from Sheff Utd, the new Chaddy from Oldham and perhaps the Barnsley guy. I couldn’t judge exactly which mascots from the south were going to be a threat because I didn’t know too many of them thanks to the north / south divide which I’ll touch upon in a bit. Locally other than Grimsby there was no mention of my good friend from Boston, nor the Scunny Bunny which was a little sad. It’s always nice to meet up with a few of the locals in order to preserve my place as Lincolnshire’s Number One mascot.
The opportunity to travel to the World Cup was perhaps just reward for eight years of voluntarily attending City matches, but given the choice I’d definitely shun the big events just to represent the club. Nonetheless it wasn’t a chance I was likely to pass up as I’d have the chance to say I’d finally achieved something if I made it, after all the World Cup is the biggest sporting event on the planet and would bring a different challenge to ones I was used to although I don’t know which would be harder; performing in front of millions at the World Cup or trying to rouse 1500 people during a LDV Vans game with Morecombe! Come Friday morning I was filled with anticipation, dread and a peppering of nerves as I set out on the two-hour journey up north to Manchester.
The journey was pretty unremarkable and after four hours I made my way to the Lancashire Suite of the Manchester Britannia for my 3.20pm audition. When I arrived most of the other mascots were already suited up and ready to go. Bladey was his usual shy and retiring self, harassing everybody and anybody who happened across the third floor of the exquisite hotel. The Grimsby guy was also there and shockingly he turned out to be far nicer than I’d ever have given him credit for. Anybody involved in football will tell you their county rivals have two heads and stink, but in truth opposition mascots are pretty much the same as I am. He seemed to genuinely love the club and it gave me the chance to remind him we’d stuck five past them in the league just weeks earlier. He rebuffed my abuse by pointing out he had recently been awarded Mascot of the Year at the East Midlands sports awards, an event I had been scheduled to attend. Sadly I’d travelled to Brant Broughton near Sleaford on the night when I should have been at Broughton near Scunthorpe! I feel my chance to shine had been snatched from me by my own stupidity rather than The Mighty Mariners excellence but it all made for a humorous atmosphere before business began.
I also had my first meeting with the new Chaddy The Owl. The previous Chaddy had been a self publicist who was more interested in his own ends than that of his club, but the new guy was the complete opposite. He slotted nicely into the mascot world and came across as a genuine guy who really enjoyed the job he did. Other mascots there included the Coventry elephant who was as always friendly, as well as the Port Vale guy. It turned out he’d been doing the job for about twelve years which came as a real surprise as I thought I was one of the longest serving in the business. Like me he wasn’t as much of an extrovert as Bladey or Chaddy, but he went about his job sensibly and could act up when required. Its interesting to see the mascots split into two groups, those who go out and live up to the whole mascot persona of madcap, beer swilling maniacs coupled with those like myself who enjoy the atmosphere without being a major contributor. Neither group is any less of a credit to the job than the other and in our own ways both sets of mascots fit together well. At an event like this its important to have both groups together to get maximum effect and today was no exception.
Me and my good friend Scunny Bunny from Scunthorpe
There was also a lively chap called Dave from Barnsley. For once I learnt his real name rather than the mascot name which is unusual for our profession. He came into our hotel room which doubled as everyone’s changing room and got me to sign his copy of the mascot book, reaffirming the notion that we may actual be the very minorist of celebrity! Later on in the day he’d also point out that as mascots we all smiled when having a picture taken, even with our heads on and our faces masked from Joe Public. Its an amusing thing when you consider it, a grown man smiling for a picture that won’t include any of his facial expressions, and even more amusing when you consider he knows his face won’t feature. I know it’s a natural human reaction but talking about it to other people made me realise that it wasn’t just me being vain.
Auditions were running late so once we were changed there was an unbearable wait before we were called into the audition room. We filled the hour and a half with a mix of high jinx with hotel guests and a bit of chat about our world in general. There was a group of female Spanish students whom we descended on for the usual photo opportunities, and the usual photo call where we all have to do something mildly amusing with a camera pointed in our faces. If they recorded audio as well they’d usually get a mixture of sarcastic remarks, bad language and today predominantly northern humour to accompany the child friendly pictures of a teddy bear exercising.
By the time half past four came around we were all exhausted simply from sitting around on a hot day in our suits waiting for something to happen. Just before my turn came around both The Pilgrim Panther (Boston) and The Scunny Bunny turned up. It was a little disheartening to know that there were a lot of mascots not on the list who were going to audition because it cut down my chances, and it could be a little awkward because I was sure the Boston guy thought I was a thief! I had mentioned our history to my compatriot from Grimsby and it was a little embarrassing when the guy I’d been gossiping about twenty minutes earlier walked in and said hello as if nothing had happened at York Street, although it was also comforting that he wasn’t shunning me as some sort of low life reprobate who went around stealing replica shirts from despised rivals. I was beginning to think that if we failed to go up I’d probably do York Street again the season after, but one step at a time!
Just before five I was ushered in to the audition. I’d love to relay every little action I did and every witty line I rolled out for the panels benefit but nerves and the searing heat of a non air conditioned conference suite meant I cannot recall most of the fifteen minutes I was there. I know I had to show the ‘judges’ what happened when City scored, then what I’d do if the opposition scored and finally how I’d react to extreme provocation from the travelling fans. By the time I’d done all that I had to request a few moments to take off the head as I thought I was going to pass out from the heat! I remember being asked a little bit about myself and things I enjoyed to do but it was hard to answer seriously with sweat dripping off my chin like a leaky tap. There were a few other bits of role play and a few more probing questions before I had to finish with a rousing rendition of the song ‘Jerusalem’ of which I knew neither the words nor the tune. They gave me a lyric sheet that was a big help but I had no idea of the tune so I just chanted it football fan style before ending with a falsetto screech and a bow. I left the room to some slight applause with a sense that I’d given my best in extremely difficult conditions. Some of the other guys hadn’t felt it’d gone that well, and despite knowing that it was unlikely I could have made that much of an impression in fifteen minutes I really felt I’d done well. By the middle of the next week I’d find out whether I’d be taking the trip of a lifetime to watch England or watching all the game sat on my sofa with a cup of tea and some biscuits.
I would just like to mention that the trip home took me twice as long as it should thanks to Manchester drivers apparently not having to abide by the normal laws of the road, and the councils decision to close almost all roads heading for the A57.
I found out a couple of weeks after that Dave from Barnsley had got the gig, and that I had been rated 3rd, meaning a £250 cheque and an internet advert featuring just me. It seemed a nice reward for my troubles, but learning that the other spot had already been filled before the auditions did leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
Tomorrow: The next day at Shrewsbury
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